This could be a controversial post…
Christian singles are often thinking about marriage and serious relationships.ÂI am not an expert on the subject, though I have read widely on the subject and talked with many individuals.
Below are a list of mistakes that Older(18+) Christian young men and woman make in relationships. I have compiled this from talks, observation, reading, and other sources.
I have shown this list to dozens of Christians from all walks of life (married/single, different ages, etc).It has been refined and their thoughts have been added or adjustments made.
Enjoy
7 Mistakes Christian Guys Make in Relationships:
- Not being aggressive in pursuing a relationship with a girl. It is the guy’s responsibility to take the lead in the relationship.
Being too aggressive and not giving time for true love and friendship to develop. Too serious, too quick can cause problems.
Not being charming, paying attention to girls, and building a variety of friendships. Sometimes Christian guys will ignore the Christian girls, so the charm is coming from the non-Christians.
Awakening love before it is time. Stirring up the emotions of girls through words or actions without intending to fulfill the desires that are awakened.
Over analyzing the relationship and sometimes being too picky.
Not focusing on showing interest in the girl and getting to know her.
Having an unrealistic expectations on beauty, personality, etc. The guy should find the girl attractive and enjoy the personality, but be realistic.
6 Mistakes Christian Girls Make.
- Being too focused on a specific direction in life, and not being open to following a husband in another direction. A pastor/school administrator shared the following with me. From a human standpoint, young ladies can terminate potential relationships by saying God is calling them to a specific ministry in a specific place. If the guy who is interested does not feel called there, he may not pursue. Instead the young Lady could say, “This is what I would like to do or where I see God leading, but I am open to whatever God has.” (Guys should keep this in mind also).
Not taking time to think long and hard about turning down a good Christian guy. There seems to be a higher number of Christian girls to Christian guys (Look at Christian colleges, Churches, and Missions). On the other hand, she should avoid getting involved with a guy who would not make a good husband and if she is not truly attracted to him.
Not realizing that attraction takes time to grow. In 80% to 90% of the marriages I know of, the girl had cold feet / broke it off at least once in the relationship (sometimes up to three times). Sometimes initially she did not want the guy to pursue. However, if the spark is really not there, that is a red flag. Eventually in marriage both spouses have to choose to love their spouse. Biblically and practically romantic love grows in marriage and stays kindle when acts of love are done for each other.
Expecting and having a perfect picture of what the romance/courtship and prince charming will be like. Every romance is different and the testimonials in books are generally not the norm. Along with this a girl needs to guard her heart and not become too attached before the right time.
Not making themselves available. The girls should not pursue but they can make themselves available so the guys can get to know them.
Not responding to the guys attempts at pursuit in the relationship or not responding honestly. Though she should not pursue (it can drive the guy off), it is her responsibility to respond (if she is interested) by letting the guy know that she appreciates his efforts. On the flip side, she also needs to respond honestly and communicate with the guy about her comfort level in the relationship. Problems will come up and need to be worked through.
I can always learn more and am not the final authority, so feel free to share your thoughts by email or comment.
Arlen Busenitz
PS. Some have commented that I left out about God’s working and also spiritual qualifications. I see both as very important, but that is for another article.
PSS. I have also been asked about what I think about courtship, dating, etc. Three observations:
1. I know people who have successfully and with purity been married through courtship, dating, etc. I also know many who were in relationships that were able to move out of dating and courtship without much long term baggage.
2. I also know people who have been badly burned in courtship and dating situations. So much so they are not interested in another relationship.
3. What is the answer? Understand there is no right way or method. Every situation is different. Walk with God, don’t awaken love before it is time, build the friendship, pray, and trust God. He may lead in and then lead out of a relationship. He may lead in and the couples stay for life.
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on Friday, January 12th, 2007 at 11:04 pm and is filed under Relationships.
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April 10th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
There is certainly a lot of baggage or worldly things that young Christians bring into dating. I believe the very best thing to do is have either older Christian singles in good relationships, or happily Christian married couples be involved within the congregation to help shepherd dating couples.
When I was dating, I kept focused on purity and righteousness first. My goal was to stand up there on my wedding day, watching my bride walk down the aisle knowing before God we were absolutely pure. (accomplished - to the glory of God) Second, I prayed and fasted to be transformed from a worldly (young) man into the kind of man who could be a best friend to a woman, and who could lead her. Lastly, I always want to have fun.
Focusing on those things led to a great many Christian dates, women who became great friends, and a wife whom I’ve now been married to for over 12 years. We are still pure (faithful to one another), we are still best friends, I am committed to serving her and my family through faithful leadership, and we still are having a blast together whether in church, alone together, or with our two wonderful sons!